Advertising Jokes

[Desh Premi]

A small paper, but nice...

[trevorlawrence]

A producer died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, God welcomed the producer and offered to show her around Heaven. She saw that life above was serene and tranquil with omnipresent lutes and choral singing. But none of her friends were there. Remarking to the Almighty that she was expecting a more lively scene in the afterlife, God offered to let her take a look at afterlife in Hell. Hell was a complete surprise -- all her friends were there whooping it up, partying, drinking beer and rocking out. She returned to Heaven and asked God if she could spend her eternity in Hell. He responded in the affirmative. Upon her return to Hell, she found just what she had always conditioned to expect. A fiery inferno, backbreaking labor, no coffee breaks. As the devil approached her with a menacing smile, the producer pleaded with him to explain the discrepancy between this version of Hell and the one she'd seen on her first visit. The devil replied, "Oh, did you like my demo reel?".

[raja ghose]

hey i have one advertising joke! i have one advertising joke! the servicing guy!!

[raja ghose]

(since no one else is laughing)

[Saumya]

hahaha... try this one

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said : " The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
wasn’t my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added :
“And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.

He was a bit foggy after a drink. said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner," The greatest years of my
life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went, "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,

the manager finally blurted out".... and I can’t remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story :
Don’t copy if you can’t paste!

[Saumya]

A Burgler broke into a house one night.




He shined his flashlight around,

looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin,

clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more ,

after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he

could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,

looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room,

his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?

Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

[Saumya]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules- - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.

They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.

-------------------------------------------

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

-------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

-------------------------------------------

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

-------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

-------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

-------------------------------------------

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

-------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

-------------------------------------------

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

-------------------------------------------

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

-------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

-------------------------------------------

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

-------------------------------------------

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

-------------------------------------------

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

-------------------------------------------

Now, isn't that better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation!"

[Saumya]

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[Saumya]

YOU MUST BE A BONG IF:

... you are secretly proud of Pranab Mukherjee.

... you feel a mild surge of anger whenever people mention Greg Chappell and John Buchanan.

... you think the Left Front is corrupt. Though not Buddha-babu.

... you feel that Mamata Banerjee should not become CM, come what may.

... you attribute people's successes to their Bong connections. And rue the chance to claim Ratan Tata into the fold.

... your ranking of the top Engineering colleges is like this: Presidency College, IIT Kharagpur, BE College, Jadavpur University...
What did you say? Presidency does not have Engineering? My friend, it is still the best.

... you always speak in Bengali even when you are in neighbouring states like Jharkhand and Orissa. Or for that matter, C R Park.

... you can catch a cold in summer.
Only Bengali language has a term called sardi-garmi.

... you feel sorry for Tamils since they have to eat idli-dosa every day.

... you are convinced you are more intelligent than your boss.

... irrespective of where you stay, you have bought (or are planning to buy) a flat in Rajarhat.

... you have a Rabindra Rachanaboli, which you have hardly read.

... you have a Feluda Shomogro, which you have read cover-to-cover. And do so every month!

... you pity people who have never heard of Jacques Derrida.
Even you don't know what the guy does. But nobody will dare ask you that.

... you claim that Beef Kabab outside Statesman House is best dish you have ever tasted.

... you think Ritwik Ghatak is a better film-maker than Satyajit Ray.

[Saumya]

1. Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends..'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

[Saumya]

IF PANDAVAS WERE ON FACEBOOK

[Saumya]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange................ Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.


'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!'

[raja ghose]

hahahaha to the bong one

[vikas]

ok. here's my contribution to the laughter club:


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

**********

Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.


I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.


You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come.



From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.



Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows:


1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.



Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client

[Ek Kanya]

heres a nice one...