Bride is now friends with Groom on facebook.
i tk u 2 b my wf & 2 lv u 4evr.
i promise on time, to you tweet
friend you on facebook
keep my laptop neat
i promise not to
break the prenup
even if we divorce
right after
the wedding sup
i promise to honor
and obey
all your selfish needs
even if they get in my way
if you promise all the
same to me back
from my attorney
you won't get
too much flack
By this tweet I thee wed, through dropped calls and dead batteries, misplaced phones and unpaid bills.
I promise if you are ever in trouble, I will bail you out.
And if we fight, our wars will have an end.
And even if you give me a basket of subprime fruit,
I won't change my status to "It's Complicated."
On the basis of our signed and notarized Prenuptial Agreement (in particular Article 2, Section 3.1 Indemnification; Article 4, Section 2.7 Severability; and Article 9. Section 4.3 Compliance), I take you...
I take thee as my lawfully wedded spouse.
However, please Read Carefully:
I MAKE NO REPRESENTATIONS OR WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, REGARDING THIS PROMISE (VOW) (INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO MY ABILITY TO PERFORM, VULNERABILITY CONTENT, AND INCOME), AND ANY OTHER SERVICE PROVIDED BY ME HEREUNDER, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, ANY IMPLIED WARRANTY OF FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE OR NONINFRINGEMENT AND IMPLIED WARRANTIES ARISING FROM A COURSE OF DEALING OR COURSE OF PERFORMANCE. I EXPRESSLY DISCLAIM ANY REPRESENTATION OR WARRANTY REGARDING THE PERFORMANCE, AVAILABILITY, FUNCTIONALITY, OR ANY OTHER ASPECT OF MYSELF. I will not be liable for any interruptions or errors with regard to my medical condition, family history, or relatives; including any and all children which may be produced as a result of this union.
...Till debt do us part?...
OK, this is tough. See, I want to commit to you, but times are uncertain, complicated. These aren't the days of two generations ago. Life is disposable, right? And so I'll do the best that I can, but honestly, I'm not optimistic that you won't get a lot of the pre-us baggage. If we make it 20 years, let's call it a win, okay? Times have changed. I'm super-confident that I can give you a good ten years. So let's shoot for ten and hope for twenty. Good with you? Great. Awesome. Hey, everybody, we're 100% married and about 66% committed; net, it's the best we could do.
Do you promise to architect a seamless, transparent migration to a fully-featured suite of interactive, relational services designed to create a personalized, optimal marital user experience? If so, click on "I accept."
Risk analysis: subprime but AAA
Leverage: 30:1
It's a go.
I do.
Sent from my iPhone
And finally:
iDo!
Advertising Jokes
Moderators: kikikikikiki, diptanshu, Dalbir
Re: Advertising Jokes
Prefixes and suffixes!
Why, when one can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, cannot one be whelmed?
Surely, unsubtle innuendo is outuendo; innuendo that goes too far is innuendon’t.
Is one who hates all married women a mrsanthrope?
And, how many of us have ever been gruntled?
Always wondered why something that is inflammable is also flammable.
I'm neither convinced nor unconvinced ~
I'll just have to stay vinced and leave it at that.
Since we generally lie to cover ourselves after something has occurred,
shouldn't prevaricate be postvaricate?
It is thetical to my clamation that the claration of pendence be altered
to clude ference to ligion.
If you can be disenchanted, can you be chanted?
Disingenuous - genuous? Discombobulated - bobulated?
It's Friday. Kick back, relax, and bibe until you're ebriated or toxicated.
Enjoy a "prefix" meal at your favorite restaurant.
Is pre-haste faster than post-haste?
I've always found it nonsensical that "nonsensical" is a word but "sensical" isn't.
One can be either merciless or merciful, but only ruthless never ruthful. you can
however be rueful, but never rueless. there is no postponderance of possibilities...
How can I be rejuvenated if I've never even been juvenated?
I was underjoyed to see that the postcursor to the event
was a dessembly of overdeveloped nations.
Do Australians believe that WE live in the Podes?
I once saw a letter to the editor arguing for Fourteenth Amendment
"Rights of the Unborn."
Sorry, but under the Fourteenth Amendment, if you're unborn, you're an un-citizen.
None of which implies that we shouldn't be uninterested when it comes to
helping the unready, unwilling, or unable to get unpregnant.
To undo less would be unconscientious (and unconscionable).
If a cumbent person becomes recumbent, do they become bent?
I have an opinion regarding the winner, but given the high stakes,
I shall not share that opinion.
In short, I am biguous, but I will not share my biguousity.
Why, when one can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, cannot one be whelmed?
Surely, unsubtle innuendo is outuendo; innuendo that goes too far is innuendon’t.
Is one who hates all married women a mrsanthrope?
And, how many of us have ever been gruntled?
Always wondered why something that is inflammable is also flammable.
I'm neither convinced nor unconvinced ~
I'll just have to stay vinced and leave it at that.
Since we generally lie to cover ourselves after something has occurred,
shouldn't prevaricate be postvaricate?
It is thetical to my clamation that the claration of pendence be altered
to clude ference to ligion.
If you can be disenchanted, can you be chanted?
Disingenuous - genuous? Discombobulated - bobulated?
It's Friday. Kick back, relax, and bibe until you're ebriated or toxicated.
Enjoy a "prefix" meal at your favorite restaurant.
Is pre-haste faster than post-haste?
I've always found it nonsensical that "nonsensical" is a word but "sensical" isn't.
One can be either merciless or merciful, but only ruthless never ruthful. you can
however be rueful, but never rueless. there is no postponderance of possibilities...
How can I be rejuvenated if I've never even been juvenated?
I was underjoyed to see that the postcursor to the event
was a dessembly of overdeveloped nations.
Do Australians believe that WE live in the Podes?
I once saw a letter to the editor arguing for Fourteenth Amendment
"Rights of the Unborn."
Sorry, but under the Fourteenth Amendment, if you're unborn, you're an un-citizen.
None of which implies that we shouldn't be uninterested when it comes to
helping the unready, unwilling, or unable to get unpregnant.
To undo less would be unconscientious (and unconscionable).
If a cumbent person becomes recumbent, do they become bent?
I have an opinion regarding the winner, but given the high stakes,
I shall not share that opinion.
In short, I am biguous, but I will not share my biguousity.
Re: Advertising Jokes
For the Women….
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the earth round......... ! ;o)
For the Men…..
Deeply profound thoughts by two men:
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Rod continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think that one over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the earth round......... ! ;o)
For the Men…..
Deeply profound thoughts by two men:
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Rod continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think that one over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.
Re: Advertising Jokes
Punjabi Vocabulary
A is for Aiscreame
B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an
instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or
whatever.
C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is
its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g.
'Defence Cloney'.
D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'
E is for Expanditure, the spending of money
F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is
actually just the front of a building
G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1
driver to shame.
H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be
careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.
I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.
J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be.
K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses
(e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')
L is for Loin, the king of the jungle
M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were
in love with.
N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.
O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger
(OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).
P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far(100 km) a
Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5
minutes...).
Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into Punjabi - does
not exist in the culture.
R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk),
even if the odds are against him.
S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars
in Delhi .
T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chi ckun.
U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'
V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.
W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'
X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi
conversations.
Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting
match.
Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.
A is for Aiscreame
B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an
instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or
whatever.
C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is
its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g.
'Defence Cloney'.
D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'
E is for Expanditure, the spending of money
F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is
actually just the front of a building
G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1
driver to shame.
H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be
careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.
I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.
J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be.
K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses
(e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')
L is for Loin, the king of the jungle
M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were
in love with.
N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.
O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger
(OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).
P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far(100 km) a
Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5
minutes...).
Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into Punjabi - does
not exist in the culture.
R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk),
even if the odds are against him.
S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars
in Delhi .
T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chi ckun.
U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'
V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.
W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'
X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi
conversations.
Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting
match.
Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.
Re: Advertising Jokes
Know Your Customers:
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola was virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and started running !!!
These posters were pasted all over the place.
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have" ... said the salesman ....
"But I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola was virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and started running !!!
These posters were pasted all over the place.
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have" ... said the salesman ....
"But I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"
Re: Advertising Jokes
Defining the Bengali Man
After all the Sardar jokes Now it's the turn of the 'Bongs'!
What do you call a mad Bengali? ---- In Sen.
A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? ----Kalidas Guha.
A Bengali mobster? -----Rob-in Gang-uli.
A perfumed Bengali? ----Chandan Dass
A Bengali goldsmith? ---- Shonar Bong-la.
What's bigger than the state of Bengal ? ---
The Bay of Bengal .
An angry Bengali letter?--- Chitti-Chitti Bong Bong.
A talkative Bengali?---Bulbul Chatterjee.
An outlawed Bengali?
--- Kanoon Banerjee or Bonduk Bannerjee.
An enlightened Bengali? ---- Jyoti Basu.
A Bengali marriage? --- Bedding.
What do you call a Bengali who takes bribe?
Mr. Ghoosh.
How does the Bong learn the alphabet?
--- -A for Orange , B for Begetable... .
How does a Bong relax in the evening?
---- He goes to the Howrah Breeze to get some Breej.
What does a Bong with a broken heart say?
--- "My hurt is hearting"
And finally,
What do you call a Bengali who works?
---- A work of fiction
After all the Sardar jokes Now it's the turn of the 'Bongs'!
What do you call a mad Bengali? ---- In Sen.
A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? ----Kalidas Guha.
A Bengali mobster? -----Rob-in Gang-uli.
A perfumed Bengali? ----Chandan Dass
A Bengali goldsmith? ---- Shonar Bong-la.
What's bigger than the state of Bengal ? ---
The Bay of Bengal .
An angry Bengali letter?--- Chitti-Chitti Bong Bong.
A talkative Bengali?---Bulbul Chatterjee.
An outlawed Bengali?
--- Kanoon Banerjee or Bonduk Bannerjee.
An enlightened Bengali? ---- Jyoti Basu.
A Bengali marriage? --- Bedding.
What do you call a Bengali who takes bribe?
Mr. Ghoosh.
How does the Bong learn the alphabet?
--- -A for Orange , B for Begetable... .
How does a Bong relax in the evening?
---- He goes to the Howrah Breeze to get some Breej.
What does a Bong with a broken heart say?
--- "My hurt is hearting"
And finally,
What do you call a Bengali who works?
---- A work of fiction
Re: Advertising Jokes
...and yes, you can't win with women 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument andneither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument andneither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Re: Advertising Jokes
The Return of Rajnikanth
Rajanikanth makes onions cry.
Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin..
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth' PC will crash..
Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.
Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
Rajanikanth can play the violin...... . ...with a piano.
When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... .... he turns the dark off.
Rajanikanth once had a heart attack...... ......... his heart lost.
When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.
Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, 'Did you mean Rajanikanth? ' It simply replies, 'Run while you still have the chance.'
Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, 'Bang!'
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.
Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.
Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.
When you say 'no one's perfect', Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.
Rajanikanth makes onions cry.
Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin..
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth' PC will crash..
Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.
Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
Rajanikanth can play the violin...... . ...with a piano.
When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... .... he turns the dark off.
Rajanikanth once had a heart attack...... ......... his heart lost.
When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.
Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, 'Did you mean Rajanikanth? ' It simply replies, 'Run while you still have the chance.'
Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, 'Bang!'
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.
Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.
Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.
When you say 'no one's perfect', Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.